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Over the past few days, I have been reading all the various commentaries and tributes to this man that so many loved and respected, and I have been both dismayed and shocked by his choice to end his life.  I feel heartbroken for his family.  And, as well, heartbroken for me.

It feels somewhat surreal when something like this happens to change your reality … 

I have never met RW and unlikely to ever have in the future … yet I loved his films and when you watch a movie often enough, it feels like the characters become your friends.

Like all of us refer to Dori and Nemo as though they were our BFFs and Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock have been with us much of our lives.  With Robin gone, it feels somehow like my life is now "less than."  I do not know if I will ever be able to watch one of his films again without remembering that he prematurely ended his life.  That he is gone forever.  There will be no more spectacular bursts of humor – no more of his unmatched brilliance.  He is irreplaceable. 

It is sad when someone you admire dies.  But it is unquantifieably distressing when their death is by their own hand.  It feels so preventable. So tragic. Death is so, so final.

In a totally selfish way, I feel angry at RW for robbing ME of his future performances and tainting his beloved past ones.  

Our lives are all connected.  It is easy to think, "this is my life; I can do with it what I please." But the reality is  - anything I do, for good or bad, directly impacts those around me.

I am deeply grieved that RW felt so sad and hopeless that there were no alternatives for him.  He was not alone; millions loved him from a distance and many cared signifcantly from close proximity.  Yet, somehow, that wasn't enough.

I have "known" Robin Williams my whole life. I will miss him.