This is how the writing of the blogpost goes:
Early in the morning … I read the blog of a brilliant person I am following. I then feel a) happy to be influenced by someone so much more intelligent than I am; b) feel sad that my IQ can't even stand in this guy's shadow.
Later in the day … after hearing so MANY stories of huge and deep sadness, I am no longer concerned about my lack of mental prowess and now I feel overwhelmed with the sheer volume of people's suffering and wonder, do I really make a difference anyway? It is difficult to be in the presence of pain without alleviating it. One can help, but not deliver others. That's just not in our job description.
Still later in the day … recounted to a friend a small miracle that I got to be a part of recently. Felt like, yes, I actually DO matter and bring good to those around me.
By evening … overwhelmed with the amount of things that are undone and yet to be done … however, I stopped to watch the clouds roll in and cover the mountains. The wind picked up and whipped the heavy fragrance of the blooming trees all around me while cold raindrops plinked on the tin of our ancient barn. Suddenly, the whole day seemed timeless and all those emotions dissapated; almost as if they were whisked away with the oncoming storm.
We humans are so moment-by-moment.
This really was skimming the top of the emotional soup. There was so much more, but it is enough to give the flavor of the thing. It makes me ask the question: why bother with these pesky feelings anyway, when they are so changing and varied and unpredictable? Yet, the good ones seem to be what most of us live for –
Those feelings of being loved, safe, at peace, full of joy, of purpose, etc.
Somehow each of us needs to be able to find and access the Deep Peace; to be anchored by SomeOne Larger than our small selves, because we are tossed about like leaves on the breeze. I think that's what I really spend most of my day doing … it mascarades as "life" - but really …
I am Seeking.
And, actually,
Finding.