by Miriam | Aug 17, 2014 | Uncategorized
Yesterday I attended a young person's baptism (she's college age). There were many, many people who attended, but most notably, her parents, neither of whom had any religious leaning; in fact, they were atheists.
As their daughter made her profession of faith, I wondered what was going through her parents' scientific-method-only minds. I spoke with them briefly, commenting that I valued their attendance, especially given their differing world views.
They said that they were there, because it was meaningful to their daughter.
I was impressed.
It takes tremendous self-possession to support someone in something that is important to them, but not to you.
I feel like I have some growing to do here … I was humbled by their magnanimous gesture of love.
by Miriam | Aug 16, 2014 | Uncategorized
Jack Welch, CEO of General Electric from 1981 – 2001 – he notes in his book "Winning" that most companies lack straightforwardness. He spoke of a conference with over 500 people who worked in business and he asked for a show of hands of who worked in an environment where people were honest with one another. FOUR people raised their hands.
We live in an era and a culture that does not reward candor. In fact, when most people are honest, they are looked at as rude or brash. Even among friends, it is rare to find people who will tell you exactly how they receive you.
Mr. Welch makes this statement in an interview: If you reward candor, if you reward straightforward talk, you will get it.
He is speaking in the context of business. I am wondering how do you cultivate this quality in everyday relationships?
Here are a couple of ideas -
A) Invite honesty. Our culture is almost anti-straightforward (although it is not as bad as some – Asian cultures and Middle Eastern societies to name a few, are notoriously polite and flattering to where I never have any idea what the other person is actually thinking / feeling). If you don't actually invite the other person's true thoughts / feelings, you may never get them. There are just too many cultural mores in the way.
B) Actually hear what the other person is saying. If you get defensive, or justify or get hurt or make excuses … it will probably be the last time that person is straight with you. It takes a ton of discipline to hear their perceptions. Few people can do it. But it is a skill that can be learned.
C) Have an accepting (vs critical, judgmental ) spirit. Most people won't risk honesty with you unless they feel safe.
Those are the big three for me. Any other ideas out there on how to nurture directness within / among relationships?
by Miriam | Aug 15, 2014 | Uncategorized
I recently heard or read (not sure which, as I have heard and read a ton of late) that you are the average of your five closest friends.
Now, to me, this is provocative on several levels.
Rather than take this any particular direction, I will say it again …
You are the average of your five closest friends.
It makes you think, doesn't it?
by Miriam | Aug 14, 2014 | Uncategorized
I recently became acquainted with Gretchen Rubin, former attorney, now writer. At some point in her life, she became enthralled with this notion of how to become more happy. She also asked, how does happiness engage with habit? (Or, to be more accurate, the other way around: how does habit influence happiness?) She did an interview with Jeff Goins (about 35 mins) which is where I heard about her work.
When I purused her website, I found her personal 10 Commandments – principles she endeavors to live her life by. I loved this idea! Here are hers:
1. Be Gretchen.
2. Let it go.
3. Act the way I want to feel.
4. Do it now.
5. Be polite and be fair.
6. Enjoy the process.
7. Spend out. (This is probably the most enigmatic of my commandments.)
8. Identify the problem.
9. Lighten up.
10. Do what ought to be done.
11. No calculation.
12. There is only love.
For me, this was a thought-provoking moment. As in, what are MY 10 principles to live by? I love hers and say, "Yes!" to most of them. She indicated that it took her several months to land on these, so I'm under no illusion that I can just whip out mine right now … Of course, it goes without saying that I'm going to say the Original Ten Commandments still stand – like, who's going to trump the Almighty? But in addition to Keeping God in His Proper Relationship to You and Not Lying, Stealing, Killing, etc. I'm thinking things (not in any particular order) like:
-Prioritize life-giving relationships.
-Have animals and treat them well.
-Always be growing and feeding my mind and soul.
-Prize mindfulness and intentionality.
-Don't spend money you don't have.
-Value Beauty (in nature, art, music, words, people, food).
-Remember that there is a Spiritual component to everything and things are more than they seem.
-Try to keep things in perspective (let things go, have a sense of humor, don't think of myself as bigger or smaller than I am, or, conversely, the other person either, for that matter).
-Give Grace liberally and freely to others.
-Honor other people's journeys and process. We are not all in the same place, nor headed in the same direction. Just because they don't agree with me does not make them less valuable or less worthy of my respect.
It's a good start.
What are your ten?
by Miriam | Aug 13, 2014 | Uncategorized
Over the past few days, I have been reading all the various commentaries and tributes to this man that so many loved and respected, and I have been both dismayed and shocked by his choice to end his life. I feel heartbroken for his family. And, as well, heartbroken for me.
It feels somewhat surreal when something like this happens to change your reality …
I have never met RW and unlikely to ever have in the future … yet I loved his films and when you watch a movie often enough, it feels like the characters become your friends.
Like all of us refer to Dori and Nemo as though they were our BFFs and Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock have been with us much of our lives. With Robin gone, it feels somehow like my life is now "less than." I do not know if I will ever be able to watch one of his films again without remembering that he prematurely ended his life. That he is gone forever. There will be no more spectacular bursts of humor – no more of his unmatched brilliance. He is irreplaceable.
It is sad when someone you admire dies. But it is unquantifieably distressing when their death is by their own hand. It feels so preventable. So tragic. Death is so, so final.
In a totally selfish way, I feel angry at RW for robbing ME of his future performances and tainting his beloved past ones.
Our lives are all connected. It is easy to think, "this is my life; I can do with it what I please." But the reality is - anything I do, for good or bad, directly impacts those around me.
I am deeply grieved that RW felt so sad and hopeless that there were no alternatives for him. He was not alone; millions loved him from a distance and many cared signifcantly from close proximity. Yet, somehow, that wasn't enough.
I have "known" Robin Williams my whole life. I will miss him.
